Trip, booked. Passport, stamped. Bags, packed. Okay, so none of that is even remotely true—I just spent an hour building an elaborate vacation Pinterest board and planning a luxury getaway with the $37.23 rattling around in my checking account. At this rate, my next exotic destination is “the local garden center” and the only stamp I’m getting is one of those “buy 10, get 1 free” coffee cards.
But hey, why pay for jet lag and airport security pat-downs when you can get that same sense of adventure by impulse-buying a plant you’re 70% sure is already plotting your demise? I’ve got enough funds for a pothos and a grande coffee—maybe a double shot, if my budgeting app looks the other way. Expedia asks, “Flexible dates?” Buddy, my wallet’s so flexible it bent back in on itself and snapped.
So YOLO, right? Who needs a tropical island when you can sip burnt espresso while watching a $17 succulent commit slow-motion suicide on your windowsill? At least with plants and coffee, you never have to worry about lost luggage… unless your suitcase is where your Fiddle Leaf stores all its dropped leaves.
Bon voyage to my dreams—see you at the garden center, passport not required.