I moonlight as a plant paramedic, making emergency rounds through the Walmart garden center—a place so parched, you’d think they were rationing water to pay for rollback prices. There, plants are in every stage of botanical distress, wilting away under the watchful gaze of pests you’d swear are straight out of a nature documentary narrated by David Attenborough. Seriously, Walmart’s garden center is like the Match.com for mealybugs and spider mites—the hottest hookup spot for plant plagues.
But fear not! Fueled by a heroic dose of coffee, I swoop in—cape invisible, mug in hand—on a one-person mission to rescue pothos, calatheas, spider plants, stubborn succulents, and even cacti (because yes, apparently Walmart can kill a cactus). The air is thick with the scent of desperation and high-octane espresso as I liberate these green hostages, one rescue at a time. Do I have room for more plants? Absolutely not. But, honestly, space is just a state of mind—especially when you’re a plant-saving superhero with a caffeine addiction.